Being seen and loved as we are requires us to open up for each other. However, opening up can be difficult especially if people feel hurt and untrusting of others. Here are ideas for opening the door so others feel more welcomed to share what is going on inside.

1. Start with “How are You Doing?” and mean it. We use this phrase often as a filler before we rush on to chat about the weather or other people. But giving friends and callers the chance to say more than “fine” or “okay” tells them you are open for more. 
2. Ask open-ended questions. Open-ended questions require lengthy replies; closed-ended questions can be answered with “yes” or “no”. “How are you feeling about your new job?” is open because it requires thought and an explanation for why the new job is great or not. Compare with “So I assume you like your new job?” is closed and answerable with a single word.
3. Ask follow-up prompts. If you open with a closed question, build on your partner’s one-word answer with prompts such as “Why is your job great?” or “Tell me more about what you dislike”. Multiple prompts can move the conversation deeply quickly, from “My new job isn’t what I thought it would be” to hearing that your friend can’t relate to new workmates or feels like their skills are underused.
4. Use nonverbal and verbal encouragers. Show respect for your friend with good eye contact, attentive silence, and expressions such “I see” and “that sounds hard”. Show people empathy and they will know you care about their inside world. Encouragement builds a safe place, which prompts openness.
5. Open up about your experiences. Sharing your journey models risk-taking and convinces others you are authentic. Once you share the rule of reciprocity often kicks in, and your friend will match what you say on topic and depth. Do this genuinely and not simply to get them to reciprocate.

A person is often closed off due to hurt and pain. The more we can connect with that inner world, and listen to their story, the more they will know we care.